Most people do not even know what BPD is. My good friend Cheryl didn’t know until she met her husband’s ex-wife, Donna. Two years previously, after holding on to a 17-year marriage for the sake of two children, her husband Al had separated from a wife who was “mentally unstable,” in his words. He had not heard of BPD either. But he had lived with its ravages for all the years that he knew Donna. A very abbreviated description of this disorder would best be given by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV (DSM-IV), a diagnostic manual used in psychology. As defined by Psy.com, “Individuals with Personality Disorders have more difficulty in every aspect of their lives. Their individual personality traits reflect ingrained, inflexible, and maladaptive patterns of behaviors that cause discomfort, distress and impair the individual’s ability to function in the daily activities of living.” To specifically fit the parameters of BPD, an individual must possess 5 of 9 traits specified in the DSM – IV (diagnostic manual). BPD, as quoted by borderlinepersonalitytoday.com, is described as a “pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. chronic feelings of emptiness
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms”
One might ask, “How could a person get caught in a marriage to such a person?” BP’s are frequently very impressive and quite charismatic on a superficial basis. And, as it goes in a number of relationships, Al dated her for two months, she got pregnant, and he was a true gentleman, and a loving father. Donna’s behavior increased in rage, anger and verbal abuse so that by the time she was six months pregnant, he couldn’t believe how much she had changed. He says he would have divorced her within the first year of marriage if it hadn’t been for the child. Back then, Al explained it to himself saying that the pregnancy hormones were making her act this way, and things would get back to normal once she had the baby. Things only got worse… and worse. As he describes it, he became “the lightning rod for her to discharge her anger and rage.” When the first child, Althea, was six, a second child, Natalie, was born. Understanding the extent of his loyalty to his child, Donna had “lost” her birth control pills for several months. This way she would hold on to him longer. And, so the story went over the 17 years of marriage, 2 years of separation, and the years that have followed the divorce – rage, dissociative incidents, several brief psychiatric hospitalizations, impulsive spending, eating, driving recklessly (in one instance, over 100 mph on a mountain road with Natalie in the car, and in another instance, running into the median barrier on the freeway scraping off the side of the car while having an argument with Natalie (this,and more, related by Natalie to Al and his new wife, Cheryl), vengeful acts, extraordinary attempts (and successes) at parental alienation (as well as intense alienation of Natalie towards Al’s wife Cheryl), sometimes as many as 15 angry, belligerent, and manipulative phone calls/voicemail messages and many, angry, manipulative emails per day to Al and Cheryl, devisive stunts to embarrass Al at work, angry threatening messages placed under Al's windshield wipers at 2 in the morning, fights with neighbors and coworkers, inability to hold a job, verbal abuse -- and, after the divorce, physical abuse of her daughters, extraordinary attempts to avoid abandonment, suicidal behavior and threats, instability of mood, frantic attempts to manipulate and control, and always, ALWAYS, portraying herself as the victim. It was Al’s fault, not Donna’s exorbitant post-divorce spending, that caused her to have to sell the house that she had received as part of the divorce settlement. It was Al’s fault and not the endless credit card balances that propelled her into bankruptcy after the divorce, and not too long after she had received $50,000 from the sale of the house. (She frittered away the fifty grand in less than three months.) Talk to anyone married to, or divorced from, a sufferer of BPD; it’s pretty much the same for all of them. Because the BP is so impressive on the surface, and because they rarely have consistent health insurance, due to frequently losing their jobs, many BP’s are never diagnosed with BPD. And, even if they are diagnosed, because of job instability and frequent changes in health insurance, many do not receive consistent help. Some sources say that it’s best not to put the BPD diagnosis in the file, because many therapists will shy away from taking on the BPD as a patient. BPD’s frequently make very difficult patients, prone to projection and transference, becoming very aggressive and defensive toward the therapist.
Many articles, books, and websites depict the BP as a “sufferer,” or a “victim” of the disorder. I do not mean in any way, to belittle the sheer hell BP’s must go through with this disorder. But there are other characters in this plot that are frequently neglected. The story doesn’t end with the divorce for Al’s two daughters or for Al and his new wife. All these people become collateral damage in this BP’s disaster of a life. When Natalie turned 18, the $1500 per month child support that Donna received came to an end. Donna now has no hold on Al, but her effect on her daughters continues. Donna’s efforts to brainwash the daughters are ongoing. Nowadays, Althea makes minimal efforts to maintain a strained relationship with Al and Cheryl. Althea now lives a distance from Donna, yet she still remains in contact with her, telling her what a wonderful mother she is, in order to hold her rage at bay. Although their father and his new wife hold postgraduate degrees, and are successful in their careers, and have encouraged and offered both daughters a college education, Al’s heart aches that his daughters barely survive working in call center and minimum wage jobs, with no plans of attending college or bettering themselves. The older daughter, Althea, did start college, but was put on academic probation after her first semester in college, and then dropped out two weeks into the next semester. Every year she makes empty promises that she will be starting “classes” the next semester, thinking that this will appease her father. She tells people that she has "two years of college." She herself suffers from ADD, and continues filling her life with strings of fantasy lies. (“My boss just gave me a raise that doubled my income. I’m going to make $60,000 a year now.” -- She was working as a receptionist. On another occasion, “My boss told me I am going to be hired as a supervisor of the school where I’m working.” Later, when asked how the interview went, “I’m so upset. They didn’t tell me I needed a Master’s in Social Work.”) She was married and divorced twice before she was twenty three, and conceived a child out of wedlock in between. The younger daughter talked of college to appease her father, but never even started the first semester after she graduated from high school. At twenty-two, her body is covered with pierces and tattoos. She cuts herself (the older sister self-mutilated at 14), drinks heavily, parties constantly, is infamous with her friends for the quantity of alcohol she can consume at a party, and works a dead-end entry level job. Both daughters are experts at telling lies. They are “drawn like a moth to a candle,” in Al’s words, when he speaks of their obsessively close relationship with their mentally unstable mother. The daughters know just how to stroke Donna’s ego, to benefit from favors. Althea is minimally communicative with Al and Cheryl and Natalie is now completely estranged, complaining about her father with the identical words and expressions that her mother had used all the years of marriage, and after. She is in constant contact with her mother, telling her what a perfectly wonderful “mommy” she is, because her mommy “gives her money and things even when she doesn’t have any money to give.” She has an extremely distorted concept of the world of money and how one should acquire it – after watching all the money her mother received from her father in child support and watching her spend it foolishly, Natalie feels that people who love her should pour money on her, and if they don’t want to do this – “f**k them.” She has expressed this to her father as well as publicly on her website. Natalie’s complaints of her father are like listening to a tape recording of the mentally unstable mother’s complaints – in many cases, even the words used are verbatim. Althea walks a tightrope, barely keeping in contact with her father and Cheryl, while stroking her mother’s ego. During rare phone calls, she has expressed the seriousness of the brainwashing that is going on with Natalie. She has expressed the concern that Natalie appears to have a kind of amnesia, is unable to recall the real events of her childhood. Althea says that Natalie is only able to recall the “re-recorded” version that her mother has repeated to her over and over. These two young ladies are the collateral damage of a BP. Both were taken to psychologists for therapy, but by this time, the damage had been done. Althea was diagnosed at 14 with post traumatic stress disorder, and as the psychologist who treated the younger daughter a few years ago, said, “She’s sixteen. It’s too late now. If I had been able to work with her ten years ago when she was six, perhaps I could have made a difference.” At this time, the psychologist confided in Al that Donna was calling him, relentlessly, to maintain complete control of the therapy sessions, and had to be asked to stop calling, as well as to leave the office when she kept appearing to be present in the sessions with Natalie. Al and Cheryl still hold on to the hope that, with time, there may be some reconciliation between them and Al’s daughters, but he accepts the fact that it may not be happening soon.
Some professional journal articles speak of a statistical probability as high as 50% that, a child with ADD that has a BPD mother will develop BPD. However, from the looks of it, Althea may have less characteristics of BPD then Natalie does. Natalie presently exhibits 8 out of 9 characteristics. Psychologists decline to diagnose teenage BPD, since it has been shown that some mental instability may mimic BPD traits but may merely be part of a difficult adolescence, and the traits may actually disappear by the time an individual reaches 19 or 20. Natalie will soon be 22. Her blog spews hatred, anger and resentment. She continues to self-medicate, and to cut herself, blaming it all on her father and her father’s wife. (Natalie lived with Al and Cheryl for a year when she was 13, but could not stand the normal structure of a curfew, accountability for her whereabouts, and requirement to participate in one or two family chores, and was seduced by the total “freedom” (read: total lack of supervision) her mother offered her at the age of 14.” Natalie blames Cheryl, for “all the pain of her whole life.” She blames her father, for abandoning her mother.)
“The sins of the father….” in this case should read, “The sins of the mother….” The adults in this story can fend for themselves. Cheryl and Al managed to stay married in spite of the myriad problems they had from Donna. The daily “damage” that Donna did to the lives of Al and his new wife was eventually controlled with a sequence of protection orders, but the damage that Donna did to her two daughters will live on in the damaged psyches, instability, obliviousness to boundaries, lack of self-discipline, and poor self esteem that Althea and Natalie will have to work on the rest of their lives. At present Natalie does not speak to Al or Cheryl. Donna has convinced Natalie that her father is a hateful bastard, a horrible father, and that he abandoned her mother and dragged her and the children to another state where Donna is still unable to get a decent job. (Donna has a Master’s degree in a technical field, but due to her unstable work relationships, subsequent frequent layoffs and recent inability to get jobs in her field, has not kept up with her field.) Donna has convinced Natalie that Al is responsible for this and all the problems in Donna’s as well as Althea’s and Natalie’s life. Natalie believes her mother. This is brainwashing honed to a fine art, lavishly dealt out over the years. What Natalie seems to have forgotten is her painful childhood when she never knew which mommy was coming around the corner – the nice one or the mean one, when her mother lavished gifts upon her or made her give away her favorite toy as a sadistic way to punish her, or the mother who bought her candy at the store one minute and the next moment, threatened a ten-year-old Natalie that she was not going to see Mommy anymore because Mommy was going to commit suicide. She forgot the outlandish behavior of her mother that to a small child looked creative and fun, but which set her mother up as an outrageous, uncontrollable child in the family, and not the parent figure, it modeled behavior which decimated all boundaries. Natalie has forgotten the times when , with seemingly no provocation, her mother would turn into the mean mommy and rage in screaming fits in which an impressionable teenage Natalie was called “a pathetic loser,” bitch,” and many other names a mother should never, ever call her daughter. Natalie seems to have forgotten the scenes with her mother “bitch slapping” her, as well as slamming her head into the passenger window of the car. She seems to have forgotten all the times the police were called to break up a violent fight between Natalie and her mother. On Al’s side – if Natalie could only remember the real truth, she would remember how her father tried to keep the sky from falling, she would remember that neither he nor Cheryl ever spoke poorly of Donna in Natalie’s or Althea’s presence. She would remember that Al and Cheryl never used demeaning words towards Natalie or Althea as Donna had, that Al and Cheryl encouraged Natalie and Althea to develop healthy friendships, value education and live productively. Natalie forgets that her mother used these attempts of Al and Cheryl to bring normalcy to Natalie’s life, to make it look like they were denying her freedom. Even if Natalie could remember it, she most likely would not admit it. And if Natalie has memory of even one of those incidents, she would still tell you today that her mother is a different person today, that she has changed. Althea would disagree. Natalie does not live with Donna anymore, and Donna has been able to fool Natalie, just as she was able to fool Al, maintaining the thin veneer of mental stability. When Natalie leaves, she does not know that Donna lights into Althea with the same vengeance as before. Althea is Donna’s lightning rod.
Al felt that it was important for a child to never hear a negative message about her mother from the divorced father. Therein lies the irony. Doesn’t it skew a child’s sense of reality when no one ever admits that Donna’s behavior was and is crazy and angry, and vengeful, and manipulative? Al just kept frantically running in circles, trying to catch the pieces of the sky as they fell, trying to keep as normal an environment as possible, pretending that everything was okay, for the sake of the children. At 22, Natalie now believes her mother is not mentally unstable, but rather that her mother is a “victim” in a vicious plot to ruin her life, and she’s become quite belligerent to Althea if anything different is mentioned. If there’s an elephant in the room while your child is growing up, but you pretend for long enough that the elephant is not in the room, there is a danger the child may believe she’s never seen an elephant, may be unable to identify future elephants, rendering all elephants virtually invisible to that child. If you admit the elephant is in the room, however, you would be accused of bad parenting for badtalking the mother. Al stayed with Donna all those years because he feared for the safety of his daughters. Donna can put on the act of mental stability when necessary and was able to fool the judge. Al finally left Donna because the marriage therapist took him aside, privately, and told him Donna would never get well, and that what he was doing was killing him, would kill him -- and Al would be no good dead, to his daughters. That got through to Al.
One apple, one irreparably rotten apple, one sly and manipulative apple was able to spoil the lives of all the other apples in the barrel. But, of all the victim apples, the ones that deserved their own chance at life, were the two little girl apples. Whether you speak of elephants or apples, the story turns out the same. There are national campaigns to help eradicate many diseases, there are programs to evacuate people from the path of a hurricane, programs to help survivors of disasters, but there are no national campaigns to educate the populace about BPD, to identify BPD parents, and to get their children help before it’s too late. Most BPD’s do not remain married for long, but you can bet that upon the couple’s divorce, the children most likely go with the mother. Besides, most people have never heard of BPD, much less are able to identify its symptoms.
So, how do we go about reinventing the world, as far as personality disorders go? When I last spoke with Al and Cheryl, they had some opinions and suggestions for everyone to consider. First, everyone should be informed about personality disorders. More often than not, if confronted with a situation like this, you will have to make an initial “diagnosis” or evaluation of the individual before you ever consult with a professional therapist. For this, you must know the symptoms. As Al said, “people don’t come with a certificate or stamp on their forehead that says, ‘Not BPD,’ or ‘Personality-Disorder-Free,’ or alternatively, ‘Beware: BPD!’ Second, if you are already in a relationship with someone, follow good-ole-common sense and take it slow, and take the responsibility for birth control. Give the relationship enough time, to be able to identify any of these traits BEFORE you get married. If you find out you’re dating a BP -- unless you’re a glutton for punishment for the rest of your married life (and after the divorce, too), Al says, “Get Out, now!” If you are not sure, get a neutral Third Party, such as a therapist to help you decide. Remember, as Al’s marriage counselor had said, “What are you waiting for? If you’re waiting for her to get better, it’s not going to happen. There will be days like this, and worse days, but never better.” Al suggests that if you identify these traits in a potential partner that you think long and hard about the long term, and what you might be getting into. Third, If you don’t end the relationship, and you choose to remain in the relationship, Al suggests that you take the responsibility to make sure that no child is born into this relationship. (He wanted to make it clear that he loves his two daughters very much, and if he could have, he would have had them with a different mother who could have brought stability to the family relationship, instead of a continual maelstrom of dysfunction and confusion. Fourth, If there is already a child, you owe the child the following: 1) serve the best interest of the child and end the marriage, 2) relentlessly, do everything you legally can to bring the child with you, if you can, and, 3)no matter what – get continual counseling for the child. Make sure that the counselor specializes in pediatric and family counseling and is an expert in BPD. It is vital that you find a counselor who is trained and experienced in this specific field. Fifth, bring this problem to the forefront. Speak the words to the lawyer, the judge, the court officials, and the counselor. Sixth, if you are an adult child of a BP, get yourself into counseling to start undoing the damage that was done to you. Finally, seventh, if you recognize the symptoms of BPD in yourself, don’t hide or make excuses for your symptoms. Listen to your intellect and not your emotions – get your children help, and get yourself help. Some sources say that, although BPD is a lifelong struggle, and most admit it cannot be “cured,” many agree that if the patient is forthright and willing to work on it through sessions for a consistent and lengthy period of time, BPD can be controlled, and the BP can have a better life.
In a way, BPD is like heart disease, a silent killer. BP’s are not the most seriously victimized – their children are. Borderline Personality Disorder silently kills the futures of little children.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Day of the Dead / Día de Los Muertos
“When the birds flock to the south
When the wind calls to the north
You are in the falling snow
You are beauty going forth
You are heat and you are light
Sun above the mountain's peak
I would give the sun and moon
Once more just to hear you speak
Wings of angels, tears of saints
Prayers and promises won't bring you back
Come to me in dreams again
Wings of angels, tears of saints
Prayers and Promises” --By Judy Collins
One of the biggest surprises I have had while living in Mexico has been Day of the Dead. It may be surprising to my readers that a teacher who is fluent in Spanish, has lived before in Guadalajara and Mexico City, and who taught all the Mexican holidays in her Spanish classes for years would make a statement like this. I guess this is the place to express the idea that living in those two large Mexican cities did not completely prepare me for living in a rural area on Lake Chapala. We live more than 12 kilometers away from “Gringolandia,” in a rural area, at the edge of a quaint little village, overlooking the lake. [“Gringolandia” is my term for the area of Ajijic and surrounding areas which during certain times of the year can contain as many as 15,000 Canadian and American ex-patriots. This area is occasionally Mexican. Ajijic is an extremely beautiful town with well-maintained houses, streets and services. Within this population there are those who occupy their houses only a few months, or a few weeks out of the year, as well as those who live full-time in the area, with their only house being in Mexico. It’s a wonderful place to visit and shop. But, living in Ajijic is not equivalent to “Living the Mexican Experience,” as you can go days on end without ever having to speak Spanish. When we first moved to the Lake Chapala area (which, by the way, at its fullest, is up to 100 miles long) when we were walking down the streets of Ajijic, I spied an older gentleman crossing the street close to us. He wore a Mexican woven straw hat which partially covered a tanned face. I greeted him with, “Buenos Días.” With an obviously irritated demeanor, he looked me firmly in the eyes and produced an absurdly enunciated form of “Good Morning!,” correcting me in a manner someone might pronounce words for a young beginner in the English language. I’m sure he felt that I had been chastised properly; I was not to greet this man ever again in the native language of the country, but rather in the “native language” of Gringolandia.] But, I digress.
In the same way one cannot make conclusions about all of American culture from knowing people from only one area of the U.S., the same is true for Mexico’s diversity. The area around Lake Chapala is vastly different from the citified culture of Guadalajara, starting only 25 minutes to the North of Lake Chapala. The Lake Chapala area is much more indigenous, with all that term entails. El Día de Los Muertos is much more akin to the ancient Celtic Druid holiday in which, on October 31st, the barrier between the spirit world and the world of the living vanishes and the souls of the departed are believed to return to Earth one time per year to visit those who still inhabit the Earthly plain. The Druids would build big bonfires to light the way, so the departed could find their way back home. Druids would dress in scary costumes of spirits and other ghostly apparitions in case they would come upon a not-so-friendly-spirit that had returned to cause mayhem and thus the Earthlings would blend in with the other frightening spirits. Instead of bonfires, Mexicans create an “altar” for their departed loved ones, designed to lead the spirits from the cemeteries to their homes for a visit. The brightly decorated altar frequently has several levels, representing the steps in life: birth, youth, adulthood, old age and death. Usually a picture of the departed is placed on the altar, as well as water to quench thirst from the long journey, salt, bread (called “pan de muertos,” a delicious, sweet bread sprinkled with sugar), some of the favorite foods that were enjoyed in life, candles to light their way, flowers (frequently the orange ones which are so abundant in the fields during this time of year, and marigolds, symbolizing the short duration of life), sugar skulls with names inscribed with frosting, treasured possessions, a basin of water with soap and towel to freshen up, and burning copal, (a tree resin) an ancient Aztec custom of loving healing and purification. The day after “El Día de los Muertos,” the food that was placed on the altar will look as it did the day before, it will look like the rest of it that was not placed on the altar, but those who eat the food that has been left for departed loved ones testify to the fact that it has changed, that the taste of it has been diminished, altered, as the departed loved ones have partaken of their most treasured foods of their previous life. Graves in the cemeteries are spiffed up and laden with bouquets and wreaths of fresh flowers. The Druid customs which had been incorporated by the Christian customs and brought to Mexico by the Franciscan missionaries as All Saints’ and All Souls’ Days, adopted by the Mexicans, took on their own native flavor when mixed with 4 millennia of native traditions. On October 31st, unrepentant souls are believed to return. On November 1st, sometimes called “Day of the Little Angels,” or “Día de los Angelitos”, it is believed that babies and young children come to visit, with the next day, November 2nd, the “official” Day of the Dead, hosting visits from the adult departed. I cannot stress how much it is necessary to experience this yourself to truly understand it. It is a festive time of the year that truly feels sacred. When you stand before one of these altars in people’s homes and sometimes in their businesses, listening to someone speaking of special memories of departed loved ones, pointing out the significance of special foods or possessions, showing precious photographs, it will change you, perhaps subtly, but it will change you. It will also change you, if you make a Day of the Dead altar in remembrance of your own departed loved ones.
During these two days, families may even spend the night in the cemetery, but, regardless, families dedicate this time to remembering and honoring their dead loved ones. The importance of maintaining this memory is exquisitely represented by Victor Landa, from San Antonio, "In our tradition, people die three deaths. The first death is when our bodies cease to function; when our hearts no longer beat of their own accord, when our gaze no longer has depth or weight, when the space we occupy slowly loses its meaning. The second death comes when the body is lowered into the ground, returned to mother earth, out of sight. The third death, the most definitive death, is when there is no one left alive to remember us."
[As quoted by Judy King, in “Los Días de Los Muertos,”
http://www.mexconnect.com/mex_/travel/jking/jkdayofthedead.html
Check out her e-zine at www.mexconnect.com/ ; a subscription is worth every cent, for the wealth of information it provides about Mexico.]
Last year, I made an altar for the departed of our household. It had been less than 8 months since my father’s death, less than eighteen months since my mother’s death, and less than 21 months since my older brother’s death. My husband’s father had passed away ten years before. On the altar I placed all the traditional settings, including pictures and favorite foods. I plan to make an altar again this year. The fullness of feeling around this time of year in Mexico defies words. It is so much more than the sentiment of the customary American fall harvest, more than Thanksgiving, it brings into play the joys of life and companionship and friendship, abundance, and most of all, the memories we have lived with loved ones. This fullness of feeling invokes reverence, reminding us that no matter how long we live, our time here is precious and fleeting. All this starts gradually, sometime towards the beginning of October, as the weather begins to change and families spend time decorating the gravesites and preparing the altars, the bakeries stock “pan de muerto,” grocery stores stock pumpkins, and candy skulls, and florists display a wide array of wreaths for sale. The weather in the Lake Chapala area has already begun to turn. Weather here is always pleasant, but there are subtle differences, even in this mild, subtropical climate. The distant lush green of the surrounding mountains and hills are suddenly peppered with “bouquets” of yellow-blossomed bushes that grow natively here. The nearby green that has been growing throughout the rainy season, suddenly, from one day to the next, bursts into bright orange flowers, sometimes covering entire fields, and lining the highway all the way towards the town of Mezcala. The air is different -- crisper and slightly cooler. During the day, the sun feels like a light, warm blanket that caresses your shoulders.
The Mexican attitude towards death and life may be different from American culture, but perhaps in the end it might be healthier. As Judy King so eloquently expresses, “The Mexican flatters and woos death, he sings to her, dances with her, lifts his glass to her, he laughs at her. Finally, he challenges her, and in the challenging, death loses her power to intimidate him. Once he knows death intimately, death is no longer wrapped in a cloak of mystery or causes him to fear the darkness. Once the fear of death has been defeated, the clutch she has on the hearts and minds of the living is lessened once and for all. Death's morbid side is buried under music and remembrances, while skeletons laugh and dance and sing as Mexico celebrates life in its embrace of death.”
This time of year has become a real favorite for me. I can feel it deep within my being. Now, in this month of October, I wake every morning pleasantly recalling the previous night’s dreams when one or more members of my departed family come to me and speak to me. Like the indigenous Mexicans who have incorporated ancient customs, of their own with those of the Druids, and Catholicism, I too am fortunate to have become something more than I was before I came to live here, incorporating all these ancient customs into the identity I now possess, this new identity that has made me stronger, this identity that will always reverently remember and honor the past, yet travel forward into a future where, finally, if I am fortunate, I will be remembered by loved ones and live on a little longer before I experience “the third death.” For now, I will do my part to remember departed loved ones so they will live on, and for a brief time each year, I may have the pleasure of their company as they return to visit.
When the wind calls to the north
You are in the falling snow
You are beauty going forth
You are heat and you are light
Sun above the mountain's peak
I would give the sun and moon
Once more just to hear you speak
Wings of angels, tears of saints
Prayers and promises won't bring you back
Come to me in dreams again
Wings of angels, tears of saints
Prayers and Promises” --By Judy Collins
One of the biggest surprises I have had while living in Mexico has been Day of the Dead. It may be surprising to my readers that a teacher who is fluent in Spanish, has lived before in Guadalajara and Mexico City, and who taught all the Mexican holidays in her Spanish classes for years would make a statement like this. I guess this is the place to express the idea that living in those two large Mexican cities did not completely prepare me for living in a rural area on Lake Chapala. We live more than 12 kilometers away from “Gringolandia,” in a rural area, at the edge of a quaint little village, overlooking the lake. [“Gringolandia” is my term for the area of Ajijic and surrounding areas which during certain times of the year can contain as many as 15,000 Canadian and American ex-patriots. This area is occasionally Mexican. Ajijic is an extremely beautiful town with well-maintained houses, streets and services. Within this population there are those who occupy their houses only a few months, or a few weeks out of the year, as well as those who live full-time in the area, with their only house being in Mexico. It’s a wonderful place to visit and shop. But, living in Ajijic is not equivalent to “Living the Mexican Experience,” as you can go days on end without ever having to speak Spanish. When we first moved to the Lake Chapala area (which, by the way, at its fullest, is up to 100 miles long) when we were walking down the streets of Ajijic, I spied an older gentleman crossing the street close to us. He wore a Mexican woven straw hat which partially covered a tanned face. I greeted him with, “Buenos Días.” With an obviously irritated demeanor, he looked me firmly in the eyes and produced an absurdly enunciated form of “Good Morning!,” correcting me in a manner someone might pronounce words for a young beginner in the English language. I’m sure he felt that I had been chastised properly; I was not to greet this man ever again in the native language of the country, but rather in the “native language” of Gringolandia.] But, I digress.
In the same way one cannot make conclusions about all of American culture from knowing people from only one area of the U.S., the same is true for Mexico’s diversity. The area around Lake Chapala is vastly different from the citified culture of Guadalajara, starting only 25 minutes to the North of Lake Chapala. The Lake Chapala area is much more indigenous, with all that term entails. El Día de Los Muertos is much more akin to the ancient Celtic Druid holiday in which, on October 31st, the barrier between the spirit world and the world of the living vanishes and the souls of the departed are believed to return to Earth one time per year to visit those who still inhabit the Earthly plain. The Druids would build big bonfires to light the way, so the departed could find their way back home. Druids would dress in scary costumes of spirits and other ghostly apparitions in case they would come upon a not-so-friendly-spirit that had returned to cause mayhem and thus the Earthlings would blend in with the other frightening spirits. Instead of bonfires, Mexicans create an “altar” for their departed loved ones, designed to lead the spirits from the cemeteries to their homes for a visit. The brightly decorated altar frequently has several levels, representing the steps in life: birth, youth, adulthood, old age and death. Usually a picture of the departed is placed on the altar, as well as water to quench thirst from the long journey, salt, bread (called “pan de muertos,” a delicious, sweet bread sprinkled with sugar), some of the favorite foods that were enjoyed in life, candles to light their way, flowers (frequently the orange ones which are so abundant in the fields during this time of year, and marigolds, symbolizing the short duration of life), sugar skulls with names inscribed with frosting, treasured possessions, a basin of water with soap and towel to freshen up, and burning copal, (a tree resin) an ancient Aztec custom of loving healing and purification. The day after “El Día de los Muertos,” the food that was placed on the altar will look as it did the day before, it will look like the rest of it that was not placed on the altar, but those who eat the food that has been left for departed loved ones testify to the fact that it has changed, that the taste of it has been diminished, altered, as the departed loved ones have partaken of their most treasured foods of their previous life. Graves in the cemeteries are spiffed up and laden with bouquets and wreaths of fresh flowers. The Druid customs which had been incorporated by the Christian customs and brought to Mexico by the Franciscan missionaries as All Saints’ and All Souls’ Days, adopted by the Mexicans, took on their own native flavor when mixed with 4 millennia of native traditions. On October 31st, unrepentant souls are believed to return. On November 1st, sometimes called “Day of the Little Angels,” or “Día de los Angelitos”, it is believed that babies and young children come to visit, with the next day, November 2nd, the “official” Day of the Dead, hosting visits from the adult departed. I cannot stress how much it is necessary to experience this yourself to truly understand it. It is a festive time of the year that truly feels sacred. When you stand before one of these altars in people’s homes and sometimes in their businesses, listening to someone speaking of special memories of departed loved ones, pointing out the significance of special foods or possessions, showing precious photographs, it will change you, perhaps subtly, but it will change you. It will also change you, if you make a Day of the Dead altar in remembrance of your own departed loved ones.
During these two days, families may even spend the night in the cemetery, but, regardless, families dedicate this time to remembering and honoring their dead loved ones. The importance of maintaining this memory is exquisitely represented by Victor Landa, from San Antonio, "In our tradition, people die three deaths. The first death is when our bodies cease to function; when our hearts no longer beat of their own accord, when our gaze no longer has depth or weight, when the space we occupy slowly loses its meaning. The second death comes when the body is lowered into the ground, returned to mother earth, out of sight. The third death, the most definitive death, is when there is no one left alive to remember us."
[As quoted by Judy King, in “Los Días de Los Muertos,”
http://www.mexconnect.com/mex_/travel/jking/jkdayofthedead.html
Check out her e-zine at www.mexconnect.com/ ; a subscription is worth every cent, for the wealth of information it provides about Mexico.]
Last year, I made an altar for the departed of our household. It had been less than 8 months since my father’s death, less than eighteen months since my mother’s death, and less than 21 months since my older brother’s death. My husband’s father had passed away ten years before. On the altar I placed all the traditional settings, including pictures and favorite foods. I plan to make an altar again this year. The fullness of feeling around this time of year in Mexico defies words. It is so much more than the sentiment of the customary American fall harvest, more than Thanksgiving, it brings into play the joys of life and companionship and friendship, abundance, and most of all, the memories we have lived with loved ones. This fullness of feeling invokes reverence, reminding us that no matter how long we live, our time here is precious and fleeting. All this starts gradually, sometime towards the beginning of October, as the weather begins to change and families spend time decorating the gravesites and preparing the altars, the bakeries stock “pan de muerto,” grocery stores stock pumpkins, and candy skulls, and florists display a wide array of wreaths for sale. The weather in the Lake Chapala area has already begun to turn. Weather here is always pleasant, but there are subtle differences, even in this mild, subtropical climate. The distant lush green of the surrounding mountains and hills are suddenly peppered with “bouquets” of yellow-blossomed bushes that grow natively here. The nearby green that has been growing throughout the rainy season, suddenly, from one day to the next, bursts into bright orange flowers, sometimes covering entire fields, and lining the highway all the way towards the town of Mezcala. The air is different -- crisper and slightly cooler. During the day, the sun feels like a light, warm blanket that caresses your shoulders.
The Mexican attitude towards death and life may be different from American culture, but perhaps in the end it might be healthier. As Judy King so eloquently expresses, “The Mexican flatters and woos death, he sings to her, dances with her, lifts his glass to her, he laughs at her. Finally, he challenges her, and in the challenging, death loses her power to intimidate him. Once he knows death intimately, death is no longer wrapped in a cloak of mystery or causes him to fear the darkness. Once the fear of death has been defeated, the clutch she has on the hearts and minds of the living is lessened once and for all. Death's morbid side is buried under music and remembrances, while skeletons laugh and dance and sing as Mexico celebrates life in its embrace of death.”
This time of year has become a real favorite for me. I can feel it deep within my being. Now, in this month of October, I wake every morning pleasantly recalling the previous night’s dreams when one or more members of my departed family come to me and speak to me. Like the indigenous Mexicans who have incorporated ancient customs, of their own with those of the Druids, and Catholicism, I too am fortunate to have become something more than I was before I came to live here, incorporating all these ancient customs into the identity I now possess, this new identity that has made me stronger, this identity that will always reverently remember and honor the past, yet travel forward into a future where, finally, if I am fortunate, I will be remembered by loved ones and live on a little longer before I experience “the third death.” For now, I will do my part to remember departed loved ones so they will live on, and for a brief time each year, I may have the pleasure of their company as they return to visit.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Practice Makes Permanent
Charles lives with depression. He has a partner who codependently maintains the “structure” of daily life while Charles is hiding under his pillow. The interesting thing about Charles is he seems to be emotionally attached to his depression. (No pun intended.) He started out with only minor bouts of depression, considering it part and parcel of a highly creative genius’ emotional makeup. He would describe aspects of his bouts with depression, speaking of them almost as one would speak of a good friend who is high maintenance, but fascinating and worth keeping around. Charles’ self-loathing and egotistical defense of his addictive habits are part of the curious mix of his personality. His extraordinary effort to saturate his communication with erudite vocabulary in an effort to convince people of his developed intellect contrasts with his self-expressed impostor complex – an ever-present fear that at any moment he would be discovered to be an inane incompetent. His reaction to the world vacillates between hypersensitive, extreme empathy and highly defensive verbal aggressiveness. He never seems to be able to keep this in balance – he may become extremely angry because a person stands an inch too close to him in a grocery line, and in the next moment he may stress all week over possibly having offended someone with an expression of a harmless opinion that he fears might have been misinterpreted. What does remain consistent is the attraction depression holds for him, -- and one more constant -- his worsening psychological state -- with each bout of depression, Charles goes a bit deeper, a bit longer each time. He disappears for longer and longer periods of time, explaining them away as being sick in bed with “a bad case of the flu.” It is progressive for him. In spite of what he has accomplished, he seems to never really own his achievements. There is only one thing he is very possessive about: his depression -- as part of his identity.
In the August 2000 article, “Why Practice Makes Perfect,” Anne Pycha (http://www.brainconnection.com/topics/?main=fa/practice) speaks of the brain mechanism that aids development of excellence in a skill. “When a skill develops or changes, the cortical maps also change, and neuron populations may be annexed for specific purposes, later abandoned, and sometimes annexed again.” “…Thanks to twenty years of research, we now know that the brain is plastic: it can and does remodel itself, sometimes within a remarkably short period of time.…Just as the migratory behavior of residents can change the map of a city, so can our learning behavior change the maps in our brain, causing neurons populations to synchronize their actions, respond to new inputs, and support new skills.” She continues to explain what it is that causes development of true excellence in a skill. ”So what differentiates expert seamstresses and bakers from the rest of us? They don't just practice their trade every now and again: instead, they have paid special attention to their chosen skill, and have perfected that skill with intensive, repetitive practice.” Returning to the example of acquiring skill at guitar-playing, she explains the critical factor that must be present to actually alter the neural pathways. “You can't really learn how to play the guitar if you pick it up once or twice a month, strum for a while, and then wander into the kitchen for a snack. In fact, it's pretty hard to learn anything this way, as your school teachers probably pointed out. When we approach learning casually, we're unlikely to become experts, and our brain is unlikely to rewire itself. When we approach learning seriously, however, something else happens: we attend to a task, we practice it over and over again, and we become emotionally involved. Under these conditions, brain plasticity happens - the winemaker can sharpen her taste buds, the blind person can learn to read Braille, the musician can perfect his pitch, and you can become an honest-to-goodness guitar player.…When we notice a part of our experiential world or take a selective interest in a new skill, we analyze it - specifically, we take the trouble to examine how it works in space and time.…As we've seen, brain maps change spatially by taking over neighboring neuronal populations on different parts of the cortex. But brain maps can also change in time, by synchronizing the actions of neurons more tightly so that a specific group of neurons may provide near-simultaneous responses to the same input. These timing relationships may actually help support the plasticity of existing cortical maps and the generation of new ones, because a single neuron can participate in the representation of several different sensory or motor representations at different times.” She equates a weak versus a strong neural connection to receiving a postcard once a year versus receiving a love letter every day from someone you are emotionally involved with. It makes a difference. The dark side of this is that when one cortical map grows, another one must shrink. But we know for sure, “Without our attention, without our willingness to practice intensively, the brain just won't budge.”
Living with depression is certainly a miserable existence, one we strive to understand and eradicate from the human psyche. Brain research has made great advances in the area of mood disorder in the last 20 years. We know that depression has biological “markers” in the brain. They now believe that some people have a biological predisposition in the brain which may lead more easily to depression. Research also shows that each bout with depression further damages the structure of the brain. Peter D. Kramer explains in his book, Against Depression, “…Chronic stress leads to the production of stress hormones. Stress hormones damage hippocampal (and other) brain cells, isolating them and pushing them to the brink of destruction. Further stressors push the cells over the edge. As damage progresses, feedback systems fail. Even minor adversity then causes the overproduction of stress hormones. What would otherwise be limited injuries extend, in the presence of stress hormones, into substantial brain damage. The hormones also dampen repair and regeneration functions, so that temporary injuries become permanent.” (p. 118) Kramer poses the possibility (based on the research of Yvette Sheline) that "the brains of depressives are less resilient than they should be", that "defects in the repair mechanism are to blame for depression becoming chronic, with recurring episodes lasting longer than previous ones."
Anne Pyche’s comment regarding brain pathways comes to mind again, “When we approach learning seriously, however, something else happens: we attend to a task, we practice it over and over again, and we become emotionally involved.” If this mechanism of repetition mixed with emotional involvement exists in the brain for acquiring a skill, could it be possible that it also exists when practicing a mood disorder such as depression? If, when practicing depression we damage the brain, as well as damage its repair mechanisms, it would be advisable to avoid even one or two bouts of depression. This must certainly sound simplistic, but if the brain does not discern the difference between practicing guitar and practicing depression, then it may become more efficient at either skill if exposed to the repetition with emotional involvement. The disadvantage of practicing depression would be that it damages the brain.
If we can redistribute the neural pathways in our brains, the question then arises: Could I reprogram my attitude towards an incident or incidents in my life, so that the memory of it doesn’t affect me negatively? Could I change the way I think about an experience, so that it does not control how I feel? And, ultimately, could I arrive at techniques that would steer me away from a negative approach to life experiences so that I am not adversely affected by these experiences in any way, so that I not only survive but thrive, so that I am happy instead of depressed? The answer to these questions could be “yes!” There are several methods for achieving this that are already developed and available. These methods are all related to one thing: getting the “garbage” out of your head, so that your approach to life, how you react to what happens to you, changes from your old, negative patterns to new, positive ones. For some, it might be as simple as reading The Power of Positive Thinking, by Norman Vincent Peale, or ridding the body of stress with Transcendental Meditation. Others prefer Biofeedback. Both TM and Biofeedback have been documented in scientific research to reduce stress in the physiology.
Years ago I came upon a technique called Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP). (http://www.nlpanchorpoint.com/index.html) It is very difficult to define NLP in a few sentences. I do not claim any proficiency at NLP; I am just a novice, but what I know of it makes a lot of sense to me. NLP is a method of personal development for bettering a person’s approach to life. The method provides techniques for training yourself to react to experiences so they are put in a context that permits you to be happy and successful. These techniques enable a person to de-emphasize the negative effects and empower the positive aspects of life experiences and thoughts. The techniques used by NLP are helpful with interpreting present experiences, as well as with reinterpreting past experiences. Another champion of reinventing one's psychological/behavioral approach to life’s experiences for happiness, fulfillment and success is Tony Robbins. (http://www.tonyrobbins.com/Home/Home.aspx) He uses his own technique called neuroassociative conditioning which is an offshoot of NLP. If you’re not the kind that can get through a whole book (He’s written several.), you can buy one of his audio/video series. His products and seminars are a bargain at any price.
Think about the POSSIBILITY for Charles. He has already lived half of his life. Right now he could be living the old analogy of the glass – he could be facing a final half of his life that is full of happiness and contentment. Even if people who have only a few days of life left can learn to filter out the negativity from those life experiences, they will end their life in contentedness, emphasizing the positive experiences. The choice may be in Charles’ hands. Or, if Charles is too weak and damaged, perhaps Charles’ partner could get him help in finding out about learning these techniques for retraining his brain. Think about the POSSIBILITY for a parent, who could learn to recognize depressive symptoms in a child and help the child reframe experiences. A small child could learn to make the sad feelings go away and the happy feelings stay. Think about the POSSIBILITY for the future of our youth. School programs could be developed to help children acquire positive filtering devices for life experiences. A life is a precious thing to waste. If all you ever have is your depression, you will have nothing in the end. Maybe Charles could learn that depression is not such a precious possession after all.
In the August 2000 article, “Why Practice Makes Perfect,” Anne Pycha (http://www.brainconnection.com/topics/?main=fa/practice) speaks of the brain mechanism that aids development of excellence in a skill. “When a skill develops or changes, the cortical maps also change, and neuron populations may be annexed for specific purposes, later abandoned, and sometimes annexed again.” “…Thanks to twenty years of research, we now know that the brain is plastic: it can and does remodel itself, sometimes within a remarkably short period of time.…Just as the migratory behavior of residents can change the map of a city, so can our learning behavior change the maps in our brain, causing neurons populations to synchronize their actions, respond to new inputs, and support new skills.” She continues to explain what it is that causes development of true excellence in a skill. ”So what differentiates expert seamstresses and bakers from the rest of us? They don't just practice their trade every now and again: instead, they have paid special attention to their chosen skill, and have perfected that skill with intensive, repetitive practice.” Returning to the example of acquiring skill at guitar-playing, she explains the critical factor that must be present to actually alter the neural pathways. “You can't really learn how to play the guitar if you pick it up once or twice a month, strum for a while, and then wander into the kitchen for a snack. In fact, it's pretty hard to learn anything this way, as your school teachers probably pointed out. When we approach learning casually, we're unlikely to become experts, and our brain is unlikely to rewire itself. When we approach learning seriously, however, something else happens: we attend to a task, we practice it over and over again, and we become emotionally involved. Under these conditions, brain plasticity happens - the winemaker can sharpen her taste buds, the blind person can learn to read Braille, the musician can perfect his pitch, and you can become an honest-to-goodness guitar player.…When we notice a part of our experiential world or take a selective interest in a new skill, we analyze it - specifically, we take the trouble to examine how it works in space and time.…As we've seen, brain maps change spatially by taking over neighboring neuronal populations on different parts of the cortex. But brain maps can also change in time, by synchronizing the actions of neurons more tightly so that a specific group of neurons may provide near-simultaneous responses to the same input. These timing relationships may actually help support the plasticity of existing cortical maps and the generation of new ones, because a single neuron can participate in the representation of several different sensory or motor representations at different times.” She equates a weak versus a strong neural connection to receiving a postcard once a year versus receiving a love letter every day from someone you are emotionally involved with. It makes a difference. The dark side of this is that when one cortical map grows, another one must shrink. But we know for sure, “Without our attention, without our willingness to practice intensively, the brain just won't budge.”
Living with depression is certainly a miserable existence, one we strive to understand and eradicate from the human psyche. Brain research has made great advances in the area of mood disorder in the last 20 years. We know that depression has biological “markers” in the brain. They now believe that some people have a biological predisposition in the brain which may lead more easily to depression. Research also shows that each bout with depression further damages the structure of the brain. Peter D. Kramer explains in his book, Against Depression, “…Chronic stress leads to the production of stress hormones. Stress hormones damage hippocampal (and other) brain cells, isolating them and pushing them to the brink of destruction. Further stressors push the cells over the edge. As damage progresses, feedback systems fail. Even minor adversity then causes the overproduction of stress hormones. What would otherwise be limited injuries extend, in the presence of stress hormones, into substantial brain damage. The hormones also dampen repair and regeneration functions, so that temporary injuries become permanent.” (p. 118) Kramer poses the possibility (based on the research of Yvette Sheline) that "the brains of depressives are less resilient than they should be", that "defects in the repair mechanism are to blame for depression becoming chronic, with recurring episodes lasting longer than previous ones."
Anne Pyche’s comment regarding brain pathways comes to mind again, “When we approach learning seriously, however, something else happens: we attend to a task, we practice it over and over again, and we become emotionally involved.” If this mechanism of repetition mixed with emotional involvement exists in the brain for acquiring a skill, could it be possible that it also exists when practicing a mood disorder such as depression? If, when practicing depression we damage the brain, as well as damage its repair mechanisms, it would be advisable to avoid even one or two bouts of depression. This must certainly sound simplistic, but if the brain does not discern the difference between practicing guitar and practicing depression, then it may become more efficient at either skill if exposed to the repetition with emotional involvement. The disadvantage of practicing depression would be that it damages the brain.
If we can redistribute the neural pathways in our brains, the question then arises: Could I reprogram my attitude towards an incident or incidents in my life, so that the memory of it doesn’t affect me negatively? Could I change the way I think about an experience, so that it does not control how I feel? And, ultimately, could I arrive at techniques that would steer me away from a negative approach to life experiences so that I am not adversely affected by these experiences in any way, so that I not only survive but thrive, so that I am happy instead of depressed? The answer to these questions could be “yes!” There are several methods for achieving this that are already developed and available. These methods are all related to one thing: getting the “garbage” out of your head, so that your approach to life, how you react to what happens to you, changes from your old, negative patterns to new, positive ones. For some, it might be as simple as reading The Power of Positive Thinking, by Norman Vincent Peale, or ridding the body of stress with Transcendental Meditation. Others prefer Biofeedback. Both TM and Biofeedback have been documented in scientific research to reduce stress in the physiology.
Years ago I came upon a technique called Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP). (http://www.nlpanchorpoint.com/index.html) It is very difficult to define NLP in a few sentences. I do not claim any proficiency at NLP; I am just a novice, but what I know of it makes a lot of sense to me. NLP is a method of personal development for bettering a person’s approach to life. The method provides techniques for training yourself to react to experiences so they are put in a context that permits you to be happy and successful. These techniques enable a person to de-emphasize the negative effects and empower the positive aspects of life experiences and thoughts. The techniques used by NLP are helpful with interpreting present experiences, as well as with reinterpreting past experiences. Another champion of reinventing one's psychological/behavioral approach to life’s experiences for happiness, fulfillment and success is Tony Robbins. (http://www.tonyrobbins.com/Home/Home.aspx) He uses his own technique called neuroassociative conditioning which is an offshoot of NLP. If you’re not the kind that can get through a whole book (He’s written several.), you can buy one of his audio/video series. His products and seminars are a bargain at any price.
Think about the POSSIBILITY for Charles. He has already lived half of his life. Right now he could be living the old analogy of the glass – he could be facing a final half of his life that is full of happiness and contentment. Even if people who have only a few days of life left can learn to filter out the negativity from those life experiences, they will end their life in contentedness, emphasizing the positive experiences. The choice may be in Charles’ hands. Or, if Charles is too weak and damaged, perhaps Charles’ partner could get him help in finding out about learning these techniques for retraining his brain. Think about the POSSIBILITY for a parent, who could learn to recognize depressive symptoms in a child and help the child reframe experiences. A small child could learn to make the sad feelings go away and the happy feelings stay. Think about the POSSIBILITY for the future of our youth. School programs could be developed to help children acquire positive filtering devices for life experiences. A life is a precious thing to waste. If all you ever have is your depression, you will have nothing in the end. Maybe Charles could learn that depression is not such a precious possession after all.
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