New Year's Resolutions a la Feng Shui

Happy New Year to Everyone! This New Year, I thought I would take a different approach to New Year’s Resolutions. For several years, I had chosen only one resolution that I wanted to focus on. During the last three years, with all the sadness of family illness and death, my New Years have been void of any resolutions. I did eat a grape for each of my twelve New Year’s wishes, making no real resolutions. But this year, I decided to formulate my resolutions in a manner parallel to aspects of the Ancient Chinese Art of Placement, Feng Shui. It turned out to be a very thorough kind of self-evaluation (where I am vs. where I want to be.). For those of you who are not familiar with Feng Shui, I will make an attempt to define it in a few words.

Feng Shui, literally means, “wind and water,” referring to the topography of the earth, the land and water masses that shape the Earth’s surface, as well as the powerful forces of nature that shape them. It deals with these land and water forms, as well as their shapes and sizes, directions and levels that play a part in the positioning of man-made structures and whether they are auspicious or inauspicious to those who dwell within them. It takes into account the quality and flow of energy, whether it is obstructed or it flows easily, whether the energy remains, or exits too quickly. Inside of a dwelling it also involves the placement of rooms and the furnishings within. Once one learns the basic principles, one begins to see that Feng Shui is quite intuitive. If arrangement of rooms, hallways, and furnishings do not permit a healthy flow of energy, you can almost feel that the movement is obstructed. Good flow of energy is auspicious and brings about opportunity for growth, harmony, and abundance. Energy can be obstructed by clutter, so Feng Shui practices recommend ridding your physical space of clutter. Experientially, we all realize that when we sit in a room with a lot of clutter, we feel inhibited and less creative than when we are in a room that is clean, organized and free of clutter. I would have to write several books to begin to explain the intricacies of Feng Shui principles. For this I would recommend you read several of the many wonderful books written by Lillian Too. I would start with an easy one, The Complete Illustrated Guide to Feng Shui. For the purpose of my New Year’s Resolutions, I was interested in the division of the Pa Kua, or a diagram explaining the eight life aspirations used in Feng Shui. For this, Feng Shui uses a diagram of eight sides (or kuas) which express the eight major aspects of life. Each side (or kua) is associated with an aspect of life and connected with a geographical direction, an earth element, color or colors as well as other attributes. I decided to formulate my resolutions, according to this diagram of eight aspects.
My resolutions were formulated according to the following paradigm: For the purpose of illustration, I have provided examples that are not my resolutions, (as I choose to keep my own resolutions private.)
1. North: The Journey/Career/The "River of Life”
In relation to work, what change can I make this year that would be a progressive step towards the job or field that I want to be in, or that would bring more fulfillment/progress in the job I am presently in? What step can I take that would bring about more acknowledgment by fellow workers or those in my field?
Example #1: I’m going to get additional certification in my field, so that I can move up in my field.
Example #2: I’m going to “dress for success” and I’m going to arrive to work early every day this year, to establish a more professional image.
2. Southwest: Relationships/ Marital Happiness
What step could I take that would improve my relationship with my partner? Or, if not in a relationship, how can I increase my chances for meeting the right person? (See my blog posting, “Making a Space.”) How can I energize my social life so that it is going in the right direction, and I am meeting the right kind of people?
Example #1:I’m going to develop a more supportive attitude towards my husband’s work.
Example #2: I’m going to join a weekend bicycling club to meet people interested in a sport I enjoy.
3. East: Health/ Family Relationships:
Health: What steps can I take this year towards improving my health and longevity?
Example #1: One or two nights a weeks, I will prepare a vegan meal for my family.
Example #2: I will eat more fresh food, less processed food.
Example #3: I will eat out less.
Family Relationships: What steps can I take to improve my family relationships?
Example: I will start a family game night, where we turn off the TV and play board games with the family.
4. Southeast: Wealth and Prosperity
(My husband saw wealth as money, abundance coming in, and prosperity as blessings and wealth retained (such as, savings and abundance). So I decided to go with his interpretation.
Wealth: What step(s) can I take in my responsibility towards a positive cash flow in my life, to get out of debt? (For ideas, see Suze Orman’s books, website, or TV programs.)
Prosperity: What action(s) can I take that will make me more aware of the abundance and blessings that I have in my life? How can I keep that abundance in my life?
Example#1: Volunteer to help those less fortunate, serve food to the poor, etc.
Example #2: Keep a Gratitude Journal.
[5. This area is the center of the diagram, and relates to the area of Life called the Tai Chi, the place where heaven and earth come together and then separate. There is no direct way to evaluate this area, because it is the sum of all the other parts, so I did not make a resolution for this part of the diagram.]
6. Northwest: Helpful People and Mentors
This refers to the friends and helpful people in your life. You might wish to turn this around and make an effort to become a helpful person to other people, or to become a mentor to someone, either at work or outside of work.
Example#1: I will put attention into cultivating worthwhile friendships and seek out new friends who are uplifting and a good influence on me.
Example #2: I will become a mentor, become a Big Sister or a Big Brother, or volunteer my time at a community center.
7. West: Creativity/Children:
What step(s) can I take to engender my own creativity? Am I creating the opportunity for silence in my life, so that creativity can blossom? What creative endeavors, that I have been postponing, can I now bring into my life?
Example #1: I will learn to __(fill in the blank)____ .
Example #2: I will make my own curtains for a room in my house.
Example #3: I will take a photography class.
Example #4: I will help make it possible for my child to take guitar lessons.
8. Northeast: Education
What step(s) can I take that will bring me closer to my own inner knowledge? How can I take a little time to better myself intellectually? What would I like to study next to become a more enlightened person?
Example #1: I will take a class in meditation, and create a pleasant, quiet space in my house where I can meditate.
Example #2: I will finish the degree that I started a while ago.
9. South: Illumination from Within/Recognition and Fame
What step(s) can I take in life that is/are a reflection of my values, of what I have accomplished?
How can I share what I’ve learned with others to contribute to society?
Example : I will write a book, sharing the knowledge I’ve acquired over the years in my career.
Example #2: I will start a blog or a website that illustrates my values, what I value.

I’m not looking for 100% success, just progress in my life. Good luck with your New Year’s resolutions. Now, I have to clear the clutter from my desk, so I have a positive energy flow for my 2008 blogs! Best Wishes for a great 2008!

Carpe Diem, Part 1

'Tis better to buy a small bouquet
And give to your friend this very day,
Than a bushel of roses white and red
To lay on his coffin after he's dead.~Author Unknown

Present your family and friends with their eulogies now - they won't be able to hear how much you love them and appreciate them from inside the coffin. ~Anonymous

I was present at the moment of my mother’s and my father’s last breath, and it changed my attitude towards life and those I love. I come from a family of “long-livers.” There was a huge span of time when not one close relative had died, and I had managed to never see a dead body until at the age of forty-nine when I went to a viewing of the mother of my husband’s friend. Still, it is not the same as losing someone close to you. For the longest time I was able to put off thinking about mortality, my own and others’. The evening that my mother died, my first day of retirement, I was 53 years old. My older brother had just died two months before of an invasive cerebral tumor whose name I had barely learned before he died. A glioblastoma multiformae decimated my brother’s brain thirty days after diagnosis. He was gone at 64, a brief life for someone in my family. He died in a nursing facility in the city where I lived, and I felt fortunate to be able to visit him at least three times a day during that time and also fortunate to be able to say goodbye. I was fortunate to have had a close relationship with him. I know that this was because of him. No matter where he had lived, or the breadth of time from the last I had seen him, he always had an authentically warm, loving smile on his face that made me feel that neither time nor space had ever passed between us. For many years previous to this, we had always spoken on the phone frequently, no matter where he was. Then, as he got older, he came to spend more time with me staying at my house, and also with my parents during the coldest part of the Colorado winters. When he was diagnosed, both of my parents were catapulted into their final days. My mother 88, died first, only three months later. Many say she died of a broken heart. I feel that may be true. Just after her passing, my father said, “Sixty-eight years of love and devotion, the end of an era.” And, as is frequently true with a loving couple that has been together many years, my father followed her only 10 months later, dead at the age of 92. It didn’t help when people said to me, “He lived a long life,” because I had had so many relatives that had lived a longer life. My grandfather died at 100, my great grandfather at 108, and a great grand-aunt at 116. I felt cheated, believing that each of them -- my brother, mother and father -- had died too young. At the time I vacillated between being an exhausted automaton and an emotionally numb zombie. I was the only relative in town, so my husband and I had been the only ones there to take care of my brother and my parents. There was a job to be done, so my husband and I had run from one place to another, one hospital to another, maintaining my parents’ ranchette as well as our house -- in a state of emotional numbness, doing what had to be done, only arriving at our house to sleep a few hours before we had to get up again and go to work. It’s unbelievable how fast the dominoes fell. My brother fell in the bathtub, breaking several ribs and was hospitalized, my dad was hospitalized 6 days after my brother was diagnosed, went home two weeks later and relapsed in less than twenty four hours, reentering the hospital. My mom was also hospitalized at this time. My brother died while they both were in the hospital, and we had a memorial for my brother on the day my parents were transferred to a nursing facility. My husband and I then had four weeks to get everything in order for my parents to help them move to the same city as my sister. My mother died two months after that. We had to sell my parents’ house for them, and prepare our own house for sale as my husband and I were retiring and moving to Mexico. We spent a great deal of time in the months that followed at my sister’s house, seeing my mom off, spending time with my dad, and then spending time with my dad in the hospital before we saw him off. I will be forever indebted to my older sister for all the time she put up with us living in her home, and, most of all for her agreeing to look after Mom and Dad in the assisted living apartment close to her house for two months for Mom and for that last year for Dad when we were retiring and moving. It has changed our relationship forever. I feel closer to her than ever before.

It took a while to recover emotionally – I had lost three loved ones in twelve and a half months. Then, finally after my father’s memorial service, I had a moment to begin healing. Before, I had mostly been in a state of numbness and I was unable to reflect on anything. It had all happened so quickly, and I had so much to tend to. Now, a year and a half beyond my father’s death, I’m able to see more clearly. I’ve come to realize how fortunate I had been to know these three family members for so long. Not everyone is as fortunate. I had the good fortune of having 53 years to love my brother, 53 years to love my mother, and 54 years to love my father. Most people do not have all that time to learn to love a close family member. My hand was on my mother’s chest as she drew her last breath, and I stood beside my father as he drew his last breath. I was able to let each of the three know how much I loved them, and to thank them for all they did for me. As hard as it was to say goodbye to each of them, still, it was okay. And I told each of them that very thing – that it was okay for them to go, that I would miss them, and always love them, but that it was okay. In the end, that is what we must all do, for our loved ones and, mostly, for ourselves – tell them we love them, thank them, and release our loved ones from their earthly bindings by letting them know it will be okay. When we are young we believe that we will live forever, feeling invincible. But, it is a certainty that a certain percentage of young people will die before their time. It is also a certainty that we will all die at some age. This means our parents and older siblings will most likely die before us.

“Carpe diem” is a phrase applied to many situations in life. In this case, I would think it means, we never know how long we have to make things right with people. We must seize the day because we never know if this may be the last opportunity to say “I’m sorry” (and mean it.) We never know if this is our last chance to make things right, to speak the truth in a loving way. It’s hard, sometimes, to evaluate if we are estranged from a family member because of ego, or because there is real justification. The unwritten laws of society say that we must honor our parents, be loyal to family. I understand that sometimes this is not possible (or healthy) with “toxic” parents or relatives. In cases of “toxicity,” we’re sometimes made to feel guilty for estrangement, when it’s really healthier to maintain safe and sane boundaries from relatives that are manipulative, full of rage, that are dangerous or unhealthy due to mental instability. But this was not my case. I can remember the tiffs I had with my parents, feeling that they were being unreasonable, or dysfunctional at the time. What is essential, though, is to ask yourself the question, “Can this estrangement be remedied with an apology?” or the question, “Can we agree to disagree here, and still be loving to each other?” By the time my mother and father and brother died, I had worked out everything with them. When I said goodbye to them, I had no regrets, and I was able to let them know that before they died. I was lucky. If you are a child estranged from a parent or parents purely because of ego -- because you need to apologize -- you don’t know how long you will have to make things right. Carpe diem. “When we lose one we love, our bitterest tears are called forth by the memory of hours when we loved not enough.” (Maurice Maeterlinck) Carpe diem. “The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and for deeds left undone.” (Harriet Beecher Stowe) Carpe diem. “The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough.” (Rabindranath Tagore)

Carpe diem, before your dominoes fall.

Borderline Personality Disorder: Who's the Real Victim Here?

Most people do not even know what BPD is. My good friend Cheryl didn’t know until she met her husband’s ex-wife, Donna. Two years previously, after holding on to a 17-year marriage for the sake of two children, her husband Al had separated from a wife who was “mentally unstable,” in his words. He had not heard of BPD either. But he had lived with its ravages for all the years that he knew Donna. A very abbreviated description of this disorder would best be given by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV (DSM-IV), a diagnostic manual used in psychology. As defined by Psy.com, “Individuals with Personality Disorders have more difficulty in every aspect of their lives. Their individual personality traits reflect ingrained, inflexible, and maladaptive patterns of behaviors that cause discomfort, distress and impair the individual’s ability to function in the daily activities of living.” To specifically fit the parameters of BPD, an individual must possess 5 of 9 traits specified in the DSM – IV (diagnostic manual). BPD, as quoted by borderlinepersonalitytoday.com, is described as a “pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. chronic feelings of emptiness
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms”

One might ask, “How could a person get caught in a marriage to such a person?” BP’s are frequently very impressive and quite charismatic on a superficial basis. And, as it goes in a number of relationships, Al dated her for two months, she got pregnant, and he was a true gentleman, and a loving father. Donna’s behavior increased in rage, anger and verbal abuse so that by the time she was six months pregnant, he couldn’t believe how much she had changed. He says he would have divorced her within the first year of marriage if it hadn’t been for the child. Back then, Al explained it to himself saying that the pregnancy hormones were making her act this way, and things would get back to normal once she had the baby. Things only got worse… and worse. As he describes it, he became “the lightning rod for her to discharge her anger and rage.” When the first child, Althea, was six, a second child, Natalie, was born. Understanding the extent of his loyalty to his child, Donna had “lost” her birth control pills for several months. This way she would hold on to him longer. And, so the story went over the 17 years of marriage, 2 years of separation, and the years that have followed the divorce – rage, dissociative incidents, several brief psychiatric hospitalizations, impulsive spending, eating, driving recklessly (in one instance, over 100 mph on a mountain road with Natalie in the car, and in another instance, running into the median barrier on the freeway scraping off the side of the car while having an argument with Natalie (this,and more, related by Natalie to Al and his new wife, Cheryl), vengeful acts, extraordinary attempts (and successes) at parental alienation (as well as intense alienation of Natalie towards Al’s wife Cheryl), sometimes as many as 15 angry, belligerent, and manipulative phone calls/voicemail messages and many, angry, manipulative emails per day to Al and Cheryl, devisive stunts to embarrass Al at work, angry threatening messages placed under Al's windshield wipers at 2 in the morning, fights with neighbors and coworkers, inability to hold a job, verbal abuse -- and, after the divorce, physical abuse of her daughters, extraordinary attempts to avoid abandonment, suicidal behavior and threats, instability of mood, frantic attempts to manipulate and control, and always, ALWAYS, portraying herself as the victim. It was Al’s fault, not Donna’s exorbitant post-divorce spending, that caused her to have to sell the house that she had received as part of the divorce settlement. It was Al’s fault and not the endless credit card balances that propelled her into bankruptcy after the divorce, and not too long after she had received $50,000 from the sale of the house. (She frittered away the fifty grand in less than three months.) Talk to anyone married to, or divorced from, a sufferer of BPD; it’s pretty much the same for all of them. Because the BP is so impressive on the surface, and because they rarely have consistent health insurance, due to frequently losing their jobs, many BP’s are never diagnosed with BPD. And, even if they are diagnosed, because of job instability and frequent changes in health insurance, many do not receive consistent help. Some sources say that it’s best not to put the BPD diagnosis in the file, because many therapists will shy away from taking on the BPD as a patient. BPD’s frequently make very difficult patients, prone to projection and transference, becoming very aggressive and defensive toward the therapist.


Many articles, books, and websites depict the BP as a “sufferer,” or a “victim” of the disorder. I do not mean in any way, to belittle the sheer hell BP’s must go through with this disorder. But there are other characters in this plot that are frequently neglected. The story doesn’t end with the divorce for Al’s two daughters or for Al and his new wife. All these people become collateral damage in this BP’s disaster of a life. When Natalie turned 18, the $1500 per month child support that Donna received came to an end. Donna now has no hold on Al, but her effect on her daughters continues. Donna’s efforts to brainwash the daughters are ongoing. Nowadays, Althea makes minimal efforts to maintain a strained relationship with Al and Cheryl. Althea now lives a distance from Donna, yet she still remains in contact with her, telling her what a wonderful mother she is, in order to hold her rage at bay. Although their father and his new wife hold postgraduate degrees, and are successful in their careers, and have encouraged and offered both daughters a college education, Al’s heart aches that his daughters barely survive working in call center and minimum wage jobs, with no plans of attending college or bettering themselves. The older daughter, Althea, did start college, but was put on academic probation after her first semester in college, and then dropped out two weeks into the next semester. Every year she makes empty promises that she will be starting “classes” the next semester, thinking that this will appease her father. She tells people that she has "two years of college." She herself suffers from ADD, and continues filling her life with strings of fantasy lies. (“My boss just gave me a raise that doubled my income. I’m going to make $60,000 a year now.” -- She was working as a receptionist. On another occasion, “My boss told me I am going to be hired as a supervisor of the school where I’m working.” Later, when asked how the interview went, “I’m so upset. They didn’t tell me I needed a Master’s in Social Work.”) She was married and divorced twice before she was twenty three, and conceived a child out of wedlock in between. The younger daughter talked of college to appease her father, but never even started the first semester after she graduated from high school. At twenty-two, her body is covered with pierces and tattoos. She cuts herself (the older sister self-mutilated at 14), drinks heavily, parties constantly, is infamous with her friends for the quantity of alcohol she can consume at a party, and works a dead-end entry level job. Both daughters are experts at telling lies. They are “drawn like a moth to a candle,” in Al’s words, when he speaks of their obsessively close relationship with their mentally unstable mother. The daughters know just how to stroke Donna’s ego, to benefit from favors. Althea is minimally communicative with Al and Cheryl and Natalie is now completely estranged, complaining about her father with the identical words and expressions that her mother had used all the years of marriage, and after. She is in constant contact with her mother, telling her what a perfectly wonderful “mommy” she is, because her mommy “gives her money and things even when she doesn’t have any money to give.” She has an extremely distorted concept of the world of money and how one should acquire it – after watching all the money her mother received from her father in child support and watching her spend it foolishly, Natalie feels that people who love her should pour money on her, and if they don’t want to do this – “f**k them.” She has expressed this to her father as well as publicly on her website. Natalie’s complaints of her father are like listening to a tape recording of the mentally unstable mother’s complaints – in many cases, even the words used are verbatim. Althea walks a tightrope, barely keeping in contact with her father and Cheryl, while stroking her mother’s ego. During rare phone calls, she has expressed the seriousness of the brainwashing that is going on with Natalie. She has expressed the concern that Natalie appears to have a kind of amnesia, is unable to recall the real events of her childhood. Althea says that Natalie is only able to recall the “re-recorded” version that her mother has repeated to her over and over. These two young ladies are the collateral damage of a BP. Both were taken to psychologists for therapy, but by this time, the damage had been done. Althea was diagnosed at 14 with post traumatic stress disorder, and as the psychologist who treated the younger daughter a few years ago, said, “She’s sixteen. It’s too late now. If I had been able to work with her ten years ago when she was six, perhaps I could have made a difference.” At this time, the psychologist confided in Al that Donna was calling him, relentlessly, to maintain complete control of the therapy sessions, and had to be asked to stop calling, as well as to leave the office when she kept appearing to be present in the sessions with Natalie. Al and Cheryl still hold on to the hope that, with time, there may be some reconciliation between them and Al’s daughters, but he accepts the fact that it may not be happening soon.

Some professional journal articles speak of a statistical probability as high as 50% that, a child with ADD that has a BPD mother will develop BPD. However, from the looks of it, Althea may have less characteristics of BPD then Natalie does. Natalie presently exhibits 8 out of 9 characteristics. Psychologists decline to diagnose teenage BPD, since it has been shown that some mental instability may mimic BPD traits but may merely be part of a difficult adolescence, and the traits may actually disappear by the time an individual reaches 19 or 20. Natalie will soon be 22. Her blog spews hatred, anger and resentment. She continues to self-medicate, and to cut herself, blaming it all on her father and her father’s wife. (Natalie lived with Al and Cheryl for a year when she was 13, but could not stand the normal structure of a curfew, accountability for her whereabouts, and requirement to participate in one or two family chores, and was seduced by the total “freedom” (read: total lack of supervision) her mother offered her at the age of 14.” Natalie blames Cheryl, for “all the pain of her whole life.” She blames her father, for abandoning her mother.)

“The sins of the father….” in this case should read, “The sins of the mother….” The adults in this story can fend for themselves. Cheryl and Al managed to stay married in spite of the myriad problems they had from Donna. The daily “damage” that Donna did to the lives of Al and his new wife was eventually controlled with a sequence of protection orders, but the damage that Donna did to her two daughters will live on in the damaged psyches, instability, obliviousness to boundaries, lack of self-discipline, and poor self esteem that Althea and Natalie will have to work on the rest of their lives. At present Natalie does not speak to Al or Cheryl. Donna has convinced Natalie that her father is a hateful bastard, a horrible father, and that he abandoned her mother and dragged her and the children to another state where Donna is still unable to get a decent job. (Donna has a Master’s degree in a technical field, but due to her unstable work relationships, subsequent frequent layoffs and recent inability to get jobs in her field, has not kept up with her field.) Donna has convinced Natalie that Al is responsible for this and all the problems in Donna’s as well as Althea’s and Natalie’s life. Natalie believes her mother. This is brainwashing honed to a fine art, lavishly dealt out over the years. What Natalie seems to have forgotten is her painful childhood when she never knew which mommy was coming around the corner – the nice one or the mean one, when her mother lavished gifts upon her or made her give away her favorite toy as a sadistic way to punish her, or the mother who bought her candy at the store one minute and the next moment, threatened a ten-year-old Natalie that she was not going to see Mommy anymore because Mommy was going to commit suicide. She forgot the outlandish behavior of her mother that to a small child looked creative and fun, but which set her mother up as an outrageous, uncontrollable child in the family, and not the parent figure, it modeled behavior which decimated all boundaries. Natalie has forgotten the times when , with seemingly no provocation, her mother would turn into the mean mommy and rage in screaming fits in which an impressionable teenage Natalie was called “a pathetic loser,” bitch,” and many other names a mother should never, ever call her daughter. Natalie seems to have forgotten the scenes with her mother “bitch slapping” her, as well as slamming her head into the passenger window of the car. She seems to have forgotten all the times the police were called to break up a violent fight between Natalie and her mother. On Al’s side – if Natalie could only remember the real truth, she would remember how her father tried to keep the sky from falling, she would remember that neither he nor Cheryl ever spoke poorly of Donna in Natalie’s or Althea’s presence. She would remember that Al and Cheryl never used demeaning words towards Natalie or Althea as Donna had, that Al and Cheryl encouraged Natalie and Althea to develop healthy friendships, value education and live productively. Natalie forgets that her mother used these attempts of Al and Cheryl to bring normalcy to Natalie’s life, to make it look like they were denying her freedom. Even if Natalie could remember it, she most likely would not admit it. And if Natalie has memory of even one of those incidents, she would still tell you today that her mother is a different person today, that she has changed. Althea would disagree. Natalie does not live with Donna anymore, and Donna has been able to fool Natalie, just as she was able to fool Al, maintaining the thin veneer of mental stability. When Natalie leaves, she does not know that Donna lights into Althea with the same vengeance as before. Althea is Donna’s lightning rod.

Al felt that it was important for a child to never hear a negative message about her mother from the divorced father. Therein lies the irony. Doesn’t it skew a child’s sense of reality when no one ever admits that Donna’s behavior was and is crazy and angry, and vengeful, and manipulative? Al just kept frantically running in circles, trying to catch the pieces of the sky as they fell, trying to keep as normal an environment as possible, pretending that everything was okay, for the sake of the children. At 22, Natalie now believes her mother is not mentally unstable, but rather that her mother is a “victim” in a vicious plot to ruin her life, and she’s become quite belligerent to Althea if anything different is mentioned. If there’s an elephant in the room while your child is growing up, but you pretend for long enough that the elephant is not in the room, there is a danger the child may believe she’s never seen an elephant, may be unable to identify future elephants, rendering all elephants virtually invisible to that child. If you admit the elephant is in the room, however, you would be accused of bad parenting for badtalking the mother. Al stayed with Donna all those years because he feared for the safety of his daughters. Donna can put on the act of mental stability when necessary and was able to fool the judge. Al finally left Donna because the marriage therapist took him aside, privately, and told him Donna would never get well, and that what he was doing was killing him, would kill him -- and Al would be no good dead, to his daughters. That got through to Al.

One apple, one irreparably rotten apple, one sly and manipulative apple was able to spoil the lives of all the other apples in the barrel. But, of all the victim apples, the ones that deserved their own chance at life, were the two little girl apples. Whether you speak of elephants or apples, the story turns out the same. There are national campaigns to help eradicate many diseases, there are programs to evacuate people from the path of a hurricane, programs to help survivors of disasters, but there are no national campaigns to educate the populace about BPD, to identify BPD parents, and to get their children help before it’s too late. Most BPD’s do not remain married for long, but you can bet that upon the couple’s divorce, the children most likely go with the mother. Besides, most people have never heard of BPD, much less are able to identify its symptoms.

So, how do we go about reinventing the world, as far as personality disorders go? When I last spoke with Al and Cheryl, they had some opinions and suggestions for everyone to consider. First, everyone should be informed about personality disorders. More often than not, if confronted with a situation like this, you will have to make an initial “diagnosis” or evaluation of the individual before you ever consult with a professional therapist. For this, you must know the symptoms. As Al said, “people don’t come with a certificate or stamp on their forehead that says, ‘Not BPD,’ or ‘Personality-Disorder-Free,’ or alternatively, ‘Beware: BPD!’ Second, if you are already in a relationship with someone, follow good-ole-common sense and take it slow, and take the responsibility for birth control. Give the relationship enough time, to be able to identify any of these traits BEFORE you get married. If you find out you’re dating a BP -- unless you’re a glutton for punishment for the rest of your married life (and after the divorce, too), Al says, “Get Out, now!” If you are not sure, get a neutral Third Party, such as a therapist to help you decide. Remember, as Al’s marriage counselor had said, “What are you waiting for? If you’re waiting for her to get better, it’s not going to happen. There will be days like this, and worse days, but never better.” Al suggests that if you identify these traits in a potential partner that you think long and hard about the long term, and what you might be getting into. Third, If you don’t end the relationship, and you choose to remain in the relationship, Al suggests that you take the responsibility to make sure that no child is born into this relationship. (He wanted to make it clear that he loves his two daughters very much, and if he could have, he would have had them with a different mother who could have brought stability to the family relationship, instead of a continual maelstrom of dysfunction and confusion. Fourth, If there is already a child, you owe the child the following: 1) serve the best interest of the child and end the marriage, 2) relentlessly, do everything you legally can to bring the child with you, if you can, and, 3)no matter what – get continual counseling for the child. Make sure that the counselor specializes in pediatric and family counseling and is an expert in BPD. It is vital that you find a counselor who is trained and experienced in this specific field. Fifth, bring this problem to the forefront. Speak the words to the lawyer, the judge, the court officials, and the counselor. Sixth, if you are an adult child of a BP, get yourself into counseling to start undoing the damage that was done to you. Finally, seventh, if you recognize the symptoms of BPD in yourself, don’t hide or make excuses for your symptoms. Listen to your intellect and not your emotions – get your children help, and get yourself help. Some sources say that, although BPD is a lifelong struggle, and most admit it cannot be “cured,” many agree that if the patient is forthright and willing to work on it through sessions for a consistent and lengthy period of time, BPD can be controlled, and the BP can have a better life.

In a way, BPD is like heart disease, a silent killer. BP’s are not the most seriously victimized – their children are. Borderline Personality Disorder silently kills the futures of little children.

Making a Space in Your Life

Nineteen years ago, Susan, a bright, young high school teacher began an affair with a married man. This man taught in the same school, and over the years the two managed to participate in many of the same professional committees and sponsor some of the same school activities. They managed to get away on trips as sponsor and coach of athletic teams, to somehow end up at the same conferences, and to steal moments away from Ricardo’s family as they met for their titillating trysts at Susan’s house and various other locales. Ricardo, referred to by Susan as “a good friend,” managed to steal moments away from his life with his wife and children using one of many excuses related to his teaching and coaching responsibilities. Everyone knew about the affair. Teachers, the instructional assistants and the students on the athletic team and in classes whispered about it. It was rumored that Ricardo’s wife knew about the affair and just let it be. Being an "old-fashioned" Hispanic wife, she had been prepped by her mother, her aunts and her grandmother that men have these kinds of weaknesses, and if he was a good provider, she must look the other way, see to raising the children and wait patiently for the affair to burn itself out. Nineteen years later, Susan and Ricardo still see each other illicitly, still stealing moments away from Ricardo’s family. Ricardo’s wife still waits patiently for the affair to dissolve. Susan has retired, but still substitutes and participates in professional activities in the district. Every night she goes home to a pleasantly decorated house. She busies herself with professional and community activities, and, she waits for Ricardo to divorce his wife. She has contemplated ending the affair many times over the years, she has even brought it to a temporary halt a few times, knowing that there must be something better out there, but she never actually takes the complete step to rid Ricardo from her life. Somehow, she feels, if something better comes along, then she will make the move and end the affair with Ricardo. What would she do with her time? Most of all, she fears she would shrivel up and die with no matters of the heart to enrich her every day. She lives for the moments she spends with Ricardo, the moments (when he lies to her) when he tells her she is his only love, that he can’t bear another moment with his wife, that he counts the minutes until he can see her again. She is sure that once all of his many excuses for not leaving his wife are resolved, he will rush to her side, divorce decree in hand, and beg her to marry him and spend the rest of her life with him. Susan has now crossed over the threshold into the second half of her fifth decade of life, but, despite her intelligence, in this matter she is like a credulous, innocent child, she still waits as fervently and patiently for Ricardo to leave his wife, as his wife waits for Ricardo to leave Susan. It has become a kind of twisted religion for both females.

Susan’s coworker, Marilyn, on the other hand, would never see a married man. She sees that as quite foolish. Marilyn is just a couple of years older than Susan. The gentleman she has been seeing for the last eight years is a well-known, prosperous (and quite wealthy) lawyer who has artfully protected most of his assets through a nasty divorce, and is quite comfortable in a “long-term dating relationship” with Marilyn. A couple of years ago Marilyn asked me if my husband knew of any wealthy, single, marriageable men her age at his work that she could meet. She complained that she and Richard always “went Dutch” on dates, and trips that they took together. She confided that he had told her two years before that she would “never see his wedding ring on her finger,” and another time, stated clearly that he would never marry her. She felt it was a hopeless situation. I made the mistake of assuming Marilyn was confiding in me and asking for my advice. I asked her if she planned to stop seeing Richard. She said that she’d just continue seeing Richard until she found something better, and then she would dump him. After listening to her dilemma, I made the mistake of expressing my own philosophy. I prefaced it by affirming that this was only my approach, not necessarily what anyone else should do – just what had personally worked for me. I told her that I felt that I had to clear a path in my life, that the universe would not provide the right person in my life until I made a space for him. When I made a space, the right man did appear in my life. This was all I said.
I was clueless as to how angry she had become at this. Later in the day, she asked me if I had read the angry email that she had sent me and then withdrawn from the system. When I told her I hadn’t had time to check my email yet, she was relieved. She said she had said many things in haste and anger, and did not mean what she said, that she didn’t mean to call me a “smartass,” only a “smartypants” (!).

Certainly I had misread her candor, and learned my lesson. After this experience, I shared no more of my “philosophies” with her. Later, on more than one occasion, I watched her bristle and verbally attack colleagues when they expressed personal opinions. Oops! I wished I had witnessed this before I had opened my mouth.

But, that did not change my philosophy on “making a space” in your life for what you want most. This can apply to many, many aspects of life: friendships, goals, projects, and even how you proportion your day. A few times, I have had to “weed out” the friendships in my life that were not uplifting and healthy, leaving only the friendships that helped me strive to be a better person. I delicately separated myself from “friendships” in which there was no “give and take,” in which I was always the giver and the other person was always the taker. (It is healthier for me to be a “100 percent giver” in other ways in life. I’ve volunteered in many different ways, such as 5 years serving food to the homeless, 5 years reading for the blind, ten years serving as a Big Sister, etc., but, I know that this is definitely not friendship.) As in friendships, goals and projects can also become skewed if one is not careful. I try to ask myself frequently, “Am I spending precious time on what I believe are my most important goals and projects?” The wise, old 80/20 rule of time management applies to life as well as work. I have to stop and ask myself if the television program I’m watching, or the magazine I’m reading is really leading me somewhere, or is good for me in some way.

Of all the life lessons, my biggest test was waiting for Mr. Right. I didn’t find and marry him until I was in my 40’s. It really took a lot of faith. I remember praying to God, saying that I didn’t want anyone in my life unless it was the right person who would inspire me to be and do my best. This meant, I had to end a relationship before it started, if it was not heading in the right direction. I’m not talking about ending a relationship for superficial reasons, like a neighbor of mine who would not continue dating a man if he didn’t have straight teeth. I’m talking about serious reasons for labeling a partner “Mr. Wrong.” My requirements did not include straight teeth, a modeling career, a millionaire’s bank account, or anything of the sort. My Mr. Right would be smart, honest, respectful, hardworking, loving and compassionate. I believe that if you don’t make space in your life for your Mr. Right, you’ll never know if he was waiting for you around the corner, while you were delayed, wasting your time with Mr. Wrong. This might mean spending a few moments, or a few years, without a partner, finding tasks, projects and causes to fill your time productively, going ahead anyway with what you believe to be your life’s purpose, finding a way to make a difference with your life, to do something meaningful. I was willing to admit that there was a possibility that there was no Mr. Right waiting for me, but I believed there sure were a lot of things I could and should do with my life that made a lot more sense than hanging around with Mr. Wrong just because I feared being alone.

Feng Shui, the ancient Chinese art of placement, deals with the flow of life energy. It speaks of the importance of controlling this flow of energy in your home and workplace by permitting it to move freely through important areas without obstacles. Many years ago I became a fervent student of Feng Shui not only because of its aesthetic appeal but also because of its common sense. At a very basic level it spoke to me of ridding home and workplace of clutter, arranging an environment so the energy can flow more effectively. I feel that life itself must also follow this rule. We must not clutter our lives, our precious time on Earth with that which does not uplift and encourage growth in some way. In the environment of our lives we must choose and place the key facets of our lives with great care, so that the energy may flow freely and productively. One time I complained to a student of mine that I never seemed to have enough time to get everything accomplished in my day. This wise student answered, “When I say that, my Mom always tells me, ‘we are all given the same time in a day, we all have the same 24 hours.’” I never forgot that. She was right. We all have the same 24 hours each day. We all have the choice, to decide what is important, what we are allotting our time to, our concern to, our priority to. It was at this point that I decided I could spend the rest of my life without a partner if I had to. I had decided I would fill my life with love and happiness, with good friends and positive productive activities, hobbies, travel, philanthropic activities, and anything that contributed to my life in a positive way. But I would also leave that space in my life for Mr. Right. I had learned how to be alone without being lonely. I did hope there was a Mr. Right out there who would enjoy sharing life experiences with me. Sunsets are very beautiful, even when you’re watching them alone, but they’re even more fun to share with a loving partner. It was not long until Mr. Right stepped into the space I had made. I found out that he was at the same point in his life that I was. He had decided he could be happy all by himself, if necessary, but he also wanted a partner to enjoy life with. He left a space for me to step into. Everything had fallen perfectly into place, or, that is to say, into space.

Susan and Marilyn are still afraid to be alone. It’s not easy for anyone – it’s akin to having the faith to jump through the void empty-handed. They may eat, sleep, travel and even watch sunsets in the company of Mr. Wrong. They may not be alone, but you can be sure they are lonely. If the spaces of their lives are filled with Mr. Wrong. There will be no room for Mr. Right. He may never have a chance.

P.S. The names have been changed to protect the innocent/guilty

September 21, 2007