Making a Space in Your Life

Nineteen years ago, Susan, a bright, young high school teacher began an affair with a married man. This man taught in the same school, and over the years the two managed to participate in many of the same professional committees and sponsor some of the same school activities. They managed to get away on trips as sponsor and coach of athletic teams, to somehow end up at the same conferences, and to steal moments away from Ricardo’s family as they met for their titillating trysts at Susan’s house and various other locales. Ricardo, referred to by Susan as “a good friend,” managed to steal moments away from his life with his wife and children using one of many excuses related to his teaching and coaching responsibilities. Everyone knew about the affair. Teachers, the instructional assistants and the students on the athletic team and in classes whispered about it. It was rumored that Ricardo’s wife knew about the affair and just let it be. Being an "old-fashioned" Hispanic wife, she had been prepped by her mother, her aunts and her grandmother that men have these kinds of weaknesses, and if he was a good provider, she must look the other way, see to raising the children and wait patiently for the affair to burn itself out. Nineteen years later, Susan and Ricardo still see each other illicitly, still stealing moments away from Ricardo’s family. Ricardo’s wife still waits patiently for the affair to dissolve. Susan has retired, but still substitutes and participates in professional activities in the district. Every night she goes home to a pleasantly decorated house. She busies herself with professional and community activities, and, she waits for Ricardo to divorce his wife. She has contemplated ending the affair many times over the years, she has even brought it to a temporary halt a few times, knowing that there must be something better out there, but she never actually takes the complete step to rid Ricardo from her life. Somehow, she feels, if something better comes along, then she will make the move and end the affair with Ricardo. What would she do with her time? Most of all, she fears she would shrivel up and die with no matters of the heart to enrich her every day. She lives for the moments she spends with Ricardo, the moments (when he lies to her) when he tells her she is his only love, that he can’t bear another moment with his wife, that he counts the minutes until he can see her again. She is sure that once all of his many excuses for not leaving his wife are resolved, he will rush to her side, divorce decree in hand, and beg her to marry him and spend the rest of her life with him. Susan has now crossed over the threshold into the second half of her fifth decade of life, but, despite her intelligence, in this matter she is like a credulous, innocent child, she still waits as fervently and patiently for Ricardo to leave his wife, as his wife waits for Ricardo to leave Susan. It has become a kind of twisted religion for both females.

Susan’s coworker, Marilyn, on the other hand, would never see a married man. She sees that as quite foolish. Marilyn is just a couple of years older than Susan. The gentleman she has been seeing for the last eight years is a well-known, prosperous (and quite wealthy) lawyer who has artfully protected most of his assets through a nasty divorce, and is quite comfortable in a “long-term dating relationship” with Marilyn. A couple of years ago Marilyn asked me if my husband knew of any wealthy, single, marriageable men her age at his work that she could meet. She complained that she and Richard always “went Dutch” on dates, and trips that they took together. She confided that he had told her two years before that she would “never see his wedding ring on her finger,” and another time, stated clearly that he would never marry her. She felt it was a hopeless situation. I made the mistake of assuming Marilyn was confiding in me and asking for my advice. I asked her if she planned to stop seeing Richard. She said that she’d just continue seeing Richard until she found something better, and then she would dump him. After listening to her dilemma, I made the mistake of expressing my own philosophy. I prefaced it by affirming that this was only my approach, not necessarily what anyone else should do – just what had personally worked for me. I told her that I felt that I had to clear a path in my life, that the universe would not provide the right person in my life until I made a space for him. When I made a space, the right man did appear in my life. This was all I said.
I was clueless as to how angry she had become at this. Later in the day, she asked me if I had read the angry email that she had sent me and then withdrawn from the system. When I told her I hadn’t had time to check my email yet, she was relieved. She said she had said many things in haste and anger, and did not mean what she said, that she didn’t mean to call me a “smartass,” only a “smartypants” (!).

Certainly I had misread her candor, and learned my lesson. After this experience, I shared no more of my “philosophies” with her. Later, on more than one occasion, I watched her bristle and verbally attack colleagues when they expressed personal opinions. Oops! I wished I had witnessed this before I had opened my mouth.

But, that did not change my philosophy on “making a space” in your life for what you want most. This can apply to many, many aspects of life: friendships, goals, projects, and even how you proportion your day. A few times, I have had to “weed out” the friendships in my life that were not uplifting and healthy, leaving only the friendships that helped me strive to be a better person. I delicately separated myself from “friendships” in which there was no “give and take,” in which I was always the giver and the other person was always the taker. (It is healthier for me to be a “100 percent giver” in other ways in life. I’ve volunteered in many different ways, such as 5 years serving food to the homeless, 5 years reading for the blind, ten years serving as a Big Sister, etc., but, I know that this is definitely not friendship.) As in friendships, goals and projects can also become skewed if one is not careful. I try to ask myself frequently, “Am I spending precious time on what I believe are my most important goals and projects?” The wise, old 80/20 rule of time management applies to life as well as work. I have to stop and ask myself if the television program I’m watching, or the magazine I’m reading is really leading me somewhere, or is good for me in some way.

Of all the life lessons, my biggest test was waiting for Mr. Right. I didn’t find and marry him until I was in my 40’s. It really took a lot of faith. I remember praying to God, saying that I didn’t want anyone in my life unless it was the right person who would inspire me to be and do my best. This meant, I had to end a relationship before it started, if it was not heading in the right direction. I’m not talking about ending a relationship for superficial reasons, like a neighbor of mine who would not continue dating a man if he didn’t have straight teeth. I’m talking about serious reasons for labeling a partner “Mr. Wrong.” My requirements did not include straight teeth, a modeling career, a millionaire’s bank account, or anything of the sort. My Mr. Right would be smart, honest, respectful, hardworking, loving and compassionate. I believe that if you don’t make space in your life for your Mr. Right, you’ll never know if he was waiting for you around the corner, while you were delayed, wasting your time with Mr. Wrong. This might mean spending a few moments, or a few years, without a partner, finding tasks, projects and causes to fill your time productively, going ahead anyway with what you believe to be your life’s purpose, finding a way to make a difference with your life, to do something meaningful. I was willing to admit that there was a possibility that there was no Mr. Right waiting for me, but I believed there sure were a lot of things I could and should do with my life that made a lot more sense than hanging around with Mr. Wrong just because I feared being alone.

Feng Shui, the ancient Chinese art of placement, deals with the flow of life energy. It speaks of the importance of controlling this flow of energy in your home and workplace by permitting it to move freely through important areas without obstacles. Many years ago I became a fervent student of Feng Shui not only because of its aesthetic appeal but also because of its common sense. At a very basic level it spoke to me of ridding home and workplace of clutter, arranging an environment so the energy can flow more effectively. I feel that life itself must also follow this rule. We must not clutter our lives, our precious time on Earth with that which does not uplift and encourage growth in some way. In the environment of our lives we must choose and place the key facets of our lives with great care, so that the energy may flow freely and productively. One time I complained to a student of mine that I never seemed to have enough time to get everything accomplished in my day. This wise student answered, “When I say that, my Mom always tells me, ‘we are all given the same time in a day, we all have the same 24 hours.’” I never forgot that. She was right. We all have the same 24 hours each day. We all have the choice, to decide what is important, what we are allotting our time to, our concern to, our priority to. It was at this point that I decided I could spend the rest of my life without a partner if I had to. I had decided I would fill my life with love and happiness, with good friends and positive productive activities, hobbies, travel, philanthropic activities, and anything that contributed to my life in a positive way. But I would also leave that space in my life for Mr. Right. I had learned how to be alone without being lonely. I did hope there was a Mr. Right out there who would enjoy sharing life experiences with me. Sunsets are very beautiful, even when you’re watching them alone, but they’re even more fun to share with a loving partner. It was not long until Mr. Right stepped into the space I had made. I found out that he was at the same point in his life that I was. He had decided he could be happy all by himself, if necessary, but he also wanted a partner to enjoy life with. He left a space for me to step into. Everything had fallen perfectly into place, or, that is to say, into space.

Susan and Marilyn are still afraid to be alone. It’s not easy for anyone – it’s akin to having the faith to jump through the void empty-handed. They may eat, sleep, travel and even watch sunsets in the company of Mr. Wrong. They may not be alone, but you can be sure they are lonely. If the spaces of their lives are filled with Mr. Wrong. There will be no room for Mr. Right. He may never have a chance.

P.S. The names have been changed to protect the innocent/guilty

September 21, 2007